Because Your Mouth Can’t Handle Crunchy Things

I went to the dentist yesterday, and I’m still crabby about it. I had two fillings and a sealant done. This is on top of all the other teeth I’ve been having “touched up” since last July. I am SO cranky.

Oh, K, how’s it going?” “SHUT UP.”

My immediate comfort food that I picked up on my way home was McDonald’s french fries. I’m pretty sure that they are still sittin’ around in my gut, but it was worth it. Half my tongue and the majority of the right side of my face was still pretty numb two hours after leaving the dentist, so I also drank three beers in an attempt to calm myself down. The dentist is… something I typically avoid. But, in the spirit of being AN ADULT and stuff, I have been almost sh**ing my pants and opening the door to the dentist all by myself. Secretly, I just want someone to say to me “your teeth are not worth saving” and they will pluck them out one by one and fix me with a nice set of dentures. F’ed up fantasy, right?

On my drive to work this morning, I was listening to the Commodores Greatest Hits cassette (you read that correctly) that T gave me for Christmas, and felt particularly moved by track five, “Easy.”

Know it sounds funny
But I just can’t stand the pain
Girl I’m leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know I’ve done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed

Ooh, that’s why I’m easy
I’m easy like Sunday morning

Leave it to me to be so emotionally distraught after a trip to the dentist, that I would find the above lyrics relatable. I’M JUST A BIG BABY. But you know what is easy like Sunday morning? Foods that don’t destroy my poor, pathetically tiny, sore jaw.

F**k applesauce, yogurt, ice cream and especially f**k Jell-O. There is no way that I am going to let my goddamn mouth win this round. I have an arsenal of EASY TO EAT, GRANDMA foods that are top-notch. In fact, I am tempted to TAKE IT EASY and just shovel this all into my mouth at the same time.

Pimento Cheese – adapted from this recipe

  • 1 (8 oz) block Sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 (8 oz) block Extra Sharp cheddar cheese
  • 1 (4 oz) jar diced pimentos (drained)
  • 2 cups mayonnaise (try not to gag)
  • 3 splashes Worcestershire sauce
  • Hefty dash crushed red pepper flakes
  • ~1 tsp dry minced onion (or finely grated onion, but REALLY? who is going to buy an onion for 1 tsp?? NO ONE)
  • Pinch of salt
  1. Grate ALL cheese into large bowl (with a lid, that you can easily cover and refrigerate)
  2. Add mayo, pimentos, and stir well to combine
  3. Add your flavorin’s, stir some more
  4. Consume by itself, with crackers, on a sandwich, however you want

Spicy Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup

This is my interpretation of a chicken noodle soup my dad would make. Very peppery broth with big hunks of veggies and chicken. This is a soup that my husband says gets better the day after. Note: I am TOTALLY aware of how much sodium content is in this. That is why it is delicious.

  • 1 lb (about 3-4 small) boneless, skinless, chicken breasts, cubed
  • 1 tbsp oil OR 1 tbsp butter
  • 1 medium yellow onion, diced
  • 4-5 celery stalks, washed and cut into 1/2″ chucks
  • ~1 lb carrots, peeled, rinsed, and cut into 1/2″ chucks
  • 6 oz (half of a 12 oz bag) wide egg noodles
  • 8-10 cups water (use more or less, depending on how “strong” you want the flavor to be)
  • 6 tbsp chicken bouillon granules (I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW)
  • 1 tsp ground white pepper
  • 1-1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
  • 1 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp dried parsley
  • 1/4 tsp dried basil
  • 3 tsp ground black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp SALT (because there wasn’t already enough)
Directions (I make this entire soup in the same pot)
  2. Heat oil/butter in pan over med-high heat
  3. Add chicken chunks and diced onion, sauté
  4. Once chicken is no longer pink, add water, and bring to a boil
  5. Add bouillon granules, let dissolve for about 30 seconds, give the pot a nice stir
  6. And then add carrots, celery, and ALL of the spices
  7. Once water reaches a second boil, add your noodles
  8. Let boil for 8-12 minutes, until noodles are tender

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s