With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, I think it’s appropriate to feature a discussion of chocolates. Unfortunately, due to an inconvenient hereditary glitch (thanks, Dad), I am allergic to dark chocolates. So, to sub, I’ll be force feeding my friend CM, and her chocoholic husband, J, a variety of chocolates (domestic and international), and have them rate the taste, texture, and overall experience based on a scale of A – C list celebrities.

Say whaaat? Yes. I will be asking CM and J to rate chocolate, as defined by the characteristics they find most transferable into a celebrity, in the hopes of making chocolate a little more relatable for those who don’t gain much from reviews that use the the same “smooth and creamy” mantra over and over again.

With my handy $10 off $30 purchase coupon, I leisurely perused the fine assortment of goodies at Cost Plus World Market, and selected a spread of both bizarre and familiar chocolates for CM and J to try. In addition to the freshly packaged treats, I supplemented with two varieties that my parents brought back from their November trip to Austria. And to wash it all down, I’ll have them sip on a chocolate stout.

CM and J are terrific volunteers, to eat all this freakin’ chocolate in one sitting. I’ll admit that it was both sadistically amusing, and also nauseating, to watch them nibble chunk after chunk of flavored cocoa creations. They were real champs, though, and did dedicate some thought into each of their celebrity comparisons. Now, let’s see if you can “keep up.”

Sample 1 – Samuel Smith Organic Chocolate Stout (ABV: 5.0%)

• CM “It smells like chocolate chapstick.”
• J “SO sweet. Ugh.”
• CM “Definitely like drinking chocolate chapstick.”
• J “It’s like too sticky all the way down your throat.”
• CM “Yes, it’s like something you are told you should like and so they keep jamming it down your throat.”

Pairs well with: Zooey Deschanel and Gwyneth Paltrow

Sample 2 –Milka Choqsplash à la Haselnuss

• J “Smooth and creamy, for sure, but with a weird filling. This is a C-List actress, for sure.”
• CM “Way too sweet. The chocolate and the center. I can’t even finish this.”

Pairs well with: Jennifer Coolidge and Jessica Biel

Sample 3 – Nutffles Red Velvet Truffle

• CM “It’s like eating a flavored communion wafer.”
• J “Eww… why is it crunchy??”
• CM “Completely ruins my expectations. Disappointing.”
• J “It’s just not that good.”

Pairs well with: Adam Sandler and Hayden Panettiere

Sample 4 – Nestlé Aero Peppermint Bar

• J “Brits always have some bulls**t mint flavor everything.”
• CM “It’s good. I wasn’t really sure what to expect with the bubbles. It’s not crunchy at all, though. So, unexpected.”
• J “Definitely not a mouthwash level mint, but not really a peppermint flavor, either.”

Pairs well with: Pierce Brosnan (as James Bond) and Dame Judi Dench

Sample 5 – World Market Pomegranate Dark Chocolate

• CM “Very rough exterior, with a smooth and exotic flavor.”
• J “Not bad. Not bad at all.”
• CM “It’s only flavor infused, not with bits of actual fruit in it.”

Pairs well with: Salma Hayek and Seal

Sample 6 – Milka Collage Himbeer

• CM “Very sweet, but not too sweet.”
• J “It’s a familiar experience, but surprising.”

Pairs well with: Kate Hudson and Jennifer Lopez

Sample 7 – World Market Margarita Milk Chocolate

• J “This is messed up.”
• CM “Very tart and tangy. Not terrible, though.”
• J “Ugh, I can’t finish this. I can’t do it.”
• CM “It’s like a key lime pie filling.”
• J “Gawd that’s nasty.”

Pairs well with: All of the Kardashians and Sofia Vergara

Sample 8 – Pig’Lets Dark Chocolate Truffles

• CM “Oh, god…”
• J “This is delicious. This is great.”
• CM “This is beautiful dark chocolate. I could eat a dozen of these.”
• J “Do you watch The Wire?”

Pairs well with: Idris Elba and 1/2 Taye Diggs & 1/2 Bruno Mars.

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Sample 9 – Perugina Baci

• CM “Too rich. Whoa. Rich.”
• J “It’s great.”
• CM “It’s a very smooth chocolate outside, but the crunchy inside?”
• J “The hazelnut on the inside is almost too much, but it’s sophisticated.”
• CM “It’s like, “Hellooo…” I can’t finish this.”

Pairs well with: Adele and Helen Mirren

Sample 10 – Ritter Sport Milk Chocolate with Cornflakes

• J “Ritter Sport? This is my s**t!”
• CM “I’m into this level of crunchy. Like a Crunch bar.”
• J “Aww yesss, cornflakes!!”
• CM “This is very comfortable, reliable chocolate.”
• J “So tasty, so all-American. Love it. Can’t get enough.”
• CM “It’s so good and familiar and trustworthy.”

Pairs well with: Betty White and Jason Sudeikis

Sample 11 – Sanders Dark Chocolate Caramels with Sea Salt

• J “Awfully salty.”
• CM “This is my favorite so far.”
• J “It’s too much salt, though.”
• CM “It’s perfect.”

Pairs well with: Sean Penn (à la interviewing “El Chapo”) and “licking Idris Elba’s abs after a workout.”

Sample 12 – Kinder Country

• CM “This is straight-up awkward chocolate.”
• J “It doesn’t know if it’s crunchy or crumbly or creamy or what.”

Pairs well with: Shia LaBeouf and Woody Harrelson