Les Femmes Affamées: Captain’s Log

[I’ve recently decided to put together a “food club”, if you will, consisting of (essentially) all of the females I know. I’ve also chosen to call it Les Femmes Affamées, which (roughly) means “Hungry Women” in French. One Thursday out of the month, we will get together, have some libations, and either cook or bake, or just eat. Our inaugural monthly meeting came to order yesterday. Enjoy.]

February 11th – Theme: Valentine’s Day Baking

*as soon as the gals get them to me, I will be linking to the recipes that they each used.

K – Peanut Butter-Chocolate No Bake Cookies
CM – Super Soft Frosted Sugar Cookies
G – White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake
E – Layered Reese’s Peanut Butter Brownies

Location: Home Sweet Home

5:35 p.m. – dog is fed. trash taken out. yank out all baking crap and REMEMBER that you FORGOT to get snacks. regret not planning better. make hummus from a box. dump popcorn into bowl. totally have enough wine. know that wine was more important anyway.

6:00 p.m. – B comes home, early. super duper early. why is B home? he is hungry. he is cranky. he is drunk and being super annoying. banish him to bedroom. say “f**k it” and open bottle of champagne. pace around the house like a weirdo and think no one is coming.


6:15 p.m. – G shows up. she is totally prepared. she is so prepared that she brought her own mixer and bowl. what a great girl G is. start to get excited. wonder where the other two girls are at.

6:18 p.m. – CM shows up before you have enough time to get imaginary sad about no one else showing up to food club. instantly get your hopes up as you watch E drive pass the house and park. reassure her that the “emergency parking only” signs are fakes.

6:33 p.m. – lean against counter and drink two glasses of champagne. give G crap about everything she does because it’s cute to tease her. be so pleased that you are having interactions with women and not the same three dudes at your house. giggle at G because she is annoyed that you keep giving her s**t about how she is doing exactly what you asked her to do – bake something. she is making a goddamn cheesecake, ok? tease her some more to let her know she’s being awesome. wait…

7:00 p.m. – continue to lean against counter and watch three people furiously bake. show them how to turn on oven timer. open bottle of white. start to feel guilty about not making anything yet. drink whole glass of wine while reassuring yourself that you are being helpful by staying out of the way and just drinking. kind of talk about baking things? discuss cooling racks and stand mixers and the various “tricks and tips” we’ve acquired.

7:02 p.m. – REMEMBER THAT YOU WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT THIS ON YOUR BLOG AND BE MAD YOU DIDN’T TAKE PICTURES OF E MAKING HER BROWNIE THING. hover over her and ask her stupid questions about it. pour another glass of wine. seriously question why you decided to start a food club when you have no dishwasher.


7:15 p.m. – CM takes her sugar cookies out of oven, to let cool before frosting, and E is up next to put her pan in. G is delicately straining her raspberry sauce through a flour sifter, because it is technically a mesh sieve, right? G also manages to “scorch” her melted white chocolate chips the first go-round. BE RELIEVED THAT SHE HAS MORE! try and tell her how to microwave chocolate.

7:20 p.m. – G spreads layer of batter into Oreo cookie crust, drizzles layer of raspberry sauce, and then final layer of batter. G uses syringe (YES A SYRINGE) to apply dots of raspberry sauce on top. using toothpick, she drags through dots to make hearts. and some fat toe looking things, too.

8:00 p.m. – E pulls her brownie masterpiece out of oven. G puts her cheesecake in. be amazed that someone had the good sense to keep track of oven temp and timer adjusting. consider starting your stupid recipe. open bottle of red. decide that your recipe takes twenty seconds to make and will be easy and decide to not start, just yet.

8:15 p.m. – CM prepares to frost her cooled sugar cookies with crunchy bottoms. mixes tub of frosting with red dye. so easy. she fills a bag with a frosting tip inserted like she’s done it a thousand times. so elegant… start to consider having a glass of water because DRUNK.

8:32 p.m. – get super duper excited that you have at least 1/2 cup milk for no-bake recipe. GET REALLY EXCITED THAT YOU HAVE EXACTLY THREE CUPS OF OATMEAL FOR YOUR STUPID NO-BAKE COOKIES. sing about it. dance about it. drink wine about it? secretly be mad that you did manage to have all ingredients, and proceed to drunk-make cookies. IT’S KINDA STRESSFUL.

8:33 p.m. – listen to CM tell dad jokes. be NOT surprised by miniature crisis because we left our “better halves” alone for two hours. try and convince N (G’s boyfriend) to put ice on his ankle because HE INJURED HIMSELF BECAUSE HE WAS UNSUPERVISED AND ACTED A FOOL. (* warning: gross injured man-child ankle below)

N, why would you group-text us this?

8:45 p.m. – CM is ready to go home and see her baby. her real one, not her husband version. convince her to stay until cheesecake is done. BEG her. get five extra minutes before she packs up and heads home.

9:00 p.m. – RETRIEVE GLORIOUS CHEESECAKE FROM OVEN. drink more wine. stick cheesecake in freezer to speed up cooling process so that we can cut it up and divvy it out.

9:45 p.m. – wash dishes and tidy up. sit around kitchen table and drink EVEN MORE WINE. talk about doin’ it, ogre babies, sneaking out, high school and theater kids. decide that next month you all will make bread. START THINKING OF WHAT KIND OF BOOZE TO GET!


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